I am someone with her own bunch of insecurities, but not many people may know about their existence. I am afraid if I show them, people might take advantage. Even worse, I’m afraid people might run away from me.
Today I came across a brilliant quote saying “Writing is about putting down on paper what you fear the most”. Alright, it was from MTV Awkward, but it got me thinking…and I accepted the challenge…presenting my insecurities, things I’m most afraid to share.
- I feel ugly sometimes
I’m not saying I feel downright ugly, I don’t believe anyone in the whole wide world is ugly. But then there’s days when I look at my reflection and see only flaws. And yes, it is a shallow way for judging myself, but let’s be real. We all judge by looks at first go.
- I don’t feel good enough
This one I feel – a lot. There’s reasons behind it, quite a few actually. I don’t feel good enough for people, sometimes I get scared someone better will steal all my loved ones away. Maybe because I’ve lost so many people, I have come to blame myself. I don’t feel smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, What’s worse, I am told so on my face.
There’s many more, but these two are the only ones I could collect the guts to talk about in public. Whom do I blame for my insecurities? Myself, or the society? Maybe both. I’ve had people tell me things that resulted in crying myself to sleep. I’ve been ignored and treated in ways nobody should be.
And then there is me. I always lived a very protected life, but then I had to step out of my palace of dreams. I took everything to my heart, and I still do. I over think, I let people take over me. I make it very easy for others to hurt me, I tend to get too close too fast. I give others more strength than I should. When I trust people, I assume they wouldn’t hurt me and let my guard down.
It’s my fault, and the society’s fault that I wake up every morning to these insecurities. But I take pride in saying that I am a lot more stronger now. If someone ends up insulting me, I don’t burst into tears. I’m slowly learning to tune people out, to not care. There’s people, some people I am grateful for, that remind me everyday that I do indeed matter in someone’s life. Now, I value only their opinion about me, because they know me. The people I love, the people who love me.
So to all those people who continue to be bullies, one day you won’t matter to me. And to the people who help me smile, you have a heart of gold. Remember this.