Believing

Just another face in the crowd, it’s rational for me to hold conventional beliefs. My mother always told me that Heaven and Hell exist, and if I fail to complete my homework I would be the guest of the latter. I was told that karma always strikes, that injustice doesn’t go unnoticed and unaccounted for. I was asked to believe in a God, Allah, Vishnu, Buddha, for They were the creators of the world. And as a child, I believed in all.

Maybe even now, I want to believe in all the things I was told. I want to believe that Karma compensates for the horrifying excuse of our justice system, I want to believe that Heaven and Hell exist, that somewhere among the stars God is watching us all. I want to believe that our world makes complete sense, that our existence has some meaning, that my heartbeats aren’t just a coincidence of the cosmos.

But every once in a while, I take off the blinds of faith and look around me. The world that we live in, or shattered pieces of it anyways. I witness the misery of the wise and the worthy, the favorable fortunes of the egregious. And I get desperate to find some meaning to the chaos, but in vain. Perhaps it’s due to my lack of looking at the grander scheme of things, but to me none makes sense. I don’t see angels fighting the darkness of this world, as it threatens the sheer existence of humanity. I don’t see goodness winning, and most of all, I can’t spot God caring enough to intervene.

As much as something in me still wants to believe in a Higher Power, logic and experience begs me to defer. For now, I stand in no man’s land, as the two armies try to win me over (not to flatter myself or anything). Maybe time will allow me gain perspective, something cruelly stolen away from me.

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