Guidelines for my funeral

You only live once? Not really. But you only die once. The finality of it can be scary, daunting. But as much as I’m scared of death and all things supernatural associated with it, I want to be able to see my funeral. I want to see who cries and who mourns and who ditches the entire thing. I want to see the people who were my entire life, and I want to see what I meant to them. But I also want some things done.

I know, funerals aren’t for the dead but for the living. They’re to gain closure, to garner emotional support and to deal with the trauma that is losing a loved one. I get that. But as true as that is, it will be my funeral after all. I have some requests, if one can put it in those words. So I decided, what better place to put these things up without turning the atmosphere awkward other than the internet?

  1. Donate my organs to people who need them. I have signed up for it already, and I usually have the card in my wallet. But just so you guys know. Donate them.
  2. Dress my (stitched up) body in Chanel. Please.
  3. I’d rather be cremated, but I don’t want people to see it. So find a worker at the crematorium (no banks of holy rivers, please) and get them to toss my body in without anyone smelling my burning skin.
  4. Hold a get-together thing, preferably at my home.
  5. I am hoping it is vegetarian, because I am a vegetarian purely for the sake of environmental sustainability. So, if you guys can, vegetarian food only.
  6. No cheesecakes and red velvet cakes allowed. No burgers allowed. No fizzy drinks allowed.
  7. Play good music, the one I love. Right now I am obsessed with The Script and Ed Sheeran and Maroon 5 and Lorde and all these great musicians, but there is a good chance it’ll all change. I trust people to know my favourites – or just hack my iTunes and go to top played.
  8. Write eulogies. They can be a sentence or a 5000 word essay with referencing but please, write something and share it with everyone else.
  9. Have balloons. Pretty, pretty balloons.
  10. If you guys get my ashes, and if someone is rich enough to do it, go to Bali, and go river rafting in the Telaga Waja river. There is a huge tree that people climb, and then jump into the river. It was the best thing I’ve ever done. Please, release my ashes from the top of the tree into the river.
  11. And then, move on. Yes, it’ll hurt. It better hurt, because you better love me and you better miss me for months. But then, move on. Find another wife or girlfriend or friend. Substitute your daughter or cousin with a dog, or a penguin. Only because my life is over, doesn’t mean yours should as well.

So, here we have them. 11 requests isn’t so bad now, is it? And keep in mind, these things are genuine. You’re free, of course, to make tweaks and do things that I may like, or things that will help you come closer to being in tune with the reality. But if there is a heaven or hell, if there is an afterlife or an alternate dimension ghosts look at the world from, I will smile to see all of this happening.

Much love.


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