My life was an amusement park, I roamed around looking for things to make me smile. I had cotton candies on Merry-Go-Rounds and giggled at the music that played. I lived inside a Castle waiting for my Prince Charming, I snuck out to go on little adventures to Atlantis and Everest with the kindest of the souls one could imagine.
You came into my life, my first roller coaster ride. I don’t know how I had missed you for all that time, but my gaze fell upon you. Standing in front of me, you reached for the clear blue skies and my arms stretched out, wanting to touch the sun. I knew you wanted me, but I was unsure. There was anxiety and there were doubts. There were questions I had no answers to and there were thoughts I couldn’t articulate or express. I was drawn towards the roller coaster that was you, but I took a step back with every two steps forward. You were majestic, maybe too majestic to be real. You were surreal, you were something I had only heard of and dreamt of but had never thought was real. I longed for you but I wanted to run away from you.
Decisions were made in a split second and I met you. Up close, you were exquisite. You were bright and shiny and there was a sense of security. I knew I wouldn’t fall off and hurt myself during the bad times, yet I felt scared. What if it fails? What if I’m left hanging in the air, with nothing to hold on to but your smooth surface?
We started the journey, slowly up the ascent. Everything in my amusement park suddenly was so small. My Castle wasn’t that grand after all, and the Merry-Go-Round was very slow in movement. It was all infantile, I said, my entire life was of a child’s and this roller coaster was me moving ahead, I was a big girl now.
I looked up, going towards the sky, slowly. It was the horizon and the sun setting into the sea, the endless possibilities. It was all so beautiful from up here, this is what serenity felt like. No noise was loud enough to be heard but our effort to climb up and no person was big enough to be seen but our existence alone. But there was an impending sense of doom, something I couldn’t put a finger on then, and so I disregarded it as my fingers brushed against the auburn skies.
And we fell, we fell faster than gravity and that was me falling in love with you. I fell hard and I fell fast. I screamed out because I didn’t know this feeling but my heart was beating faster and the air was messing up my hair and my stomach flipped inside of me and my mind warned me about the dangers of playing with the rules of the world but I didn’t care enough, I loved the rush and the exhilaration and I let out every emotion I had never felt before, everything I couldn’t explain, in form of my scream.
We went around and there was a time where I felt like there was nothing better than the fast-paced motion of life where nothing mattered but the moment itself, and I kept falling and I felt the sun kiss my skin and I felt my world turn around me but there was nothing nobody could say or do to make me hate it. There was nothing anybody could say or do anymore anyway, it would mean devastation, and it meant I had to keep going.
The twists eventually got worse and I fell and fell as the sun dipped further down, casting a shadow across my amusement park which made me feel guilt and regret, and it made me rethink this ride that was us but the rush was still overwhelming and I still kept going, now giving names to everything I felt and thought. There were things I was now acquainted to, and expected to happen, but they still made me scream in horror and anticipation. In the ecstasy of being on top of the world, I forgot to bid goodbye to the sun and forgot to mark my way back to my Castle.
But the twists made my stomach churn and it made me lose sight of things I enjoyed and I no longer knew where the Merry-Go-Round was and where was that place with good music and I couldn’t spot the lights anymore, the lights that danced with the kind souls and I every night before I came onto this ride. But there was no escape and I tried not to jump off because that meant certain death, and I realized how the safety I felt was indeed what was crushing my heart and my soul, and I screamed in agony and in pain.
There was a final drop but I felt the world’s weight fall on me, I felt gravity slowing doing only to make me go through the final blow a while longer, I felt the skies taunting me one last time. We screeched to a halt yet you held me there a while longer, and reluctantly I sat in your embrace, unwilling to let go of the familiarity of you. Your touch left me wounded but the prospect of leaving scared me, so I stayed a while longer, not saying a word.
But my time with you was over, and you let go of me. I kept my feet on the ground again and stumbled into the night, looking around the strange place I no longer recognised. I world was spinning and I was nauseous, and your memories lingered in my mind as I tried to recollect the routine of my past and tried to get back to my Castle and lay there in solitude and mourn everything, but it was now in ruins. The Merry-Go-Round was now haunted by the ghosts of my laughter and innocence. The lights weren’t brilliant and they flikered off the the souls that didn’t look kind anymore. And so I ran, I ran away from everything I ever knew.