Happy Birthday

I woke up with a panic attack in the middle of the night, I was breathless. Your memories of last year were choking me and I struggled to release myself from their grasp. It took all my willpower to mute your soothing voice in my head, your voice telling me “I love you” over and over and over.

You were not here, I told myself. You were in your city of lights and dreams, moving on from me. You were getting ready to turn one year older, one year better. It was almost 2 am here, almost midnight there. I stayed awake till 2:30,  for your midnight, replaying the songs we hummed together. Do you remember, dear one, how I was in love with the song “Counting Stars” by One Republic and you tried to sing it with me. Or how we both found reason to fight for each other in “Just Give Me A Reason?” I relived the best moments that we spend together, an ocean apart but together with music.

I sat at my window and tried to find the moon that illuminated above us on countless nights before. It was nowhere to be found in the dark skies. And so, finding solace in the stars twinkling, I wished you a happy birthday. I’ve lost the right to wish you for Valentine’s, but I hope I can still retain the right to wish for your happiness on the day this world was graced with your presence. I wanted to reach out to you so desperately, to reach out and tell you how much I thought of you everyday, how much your smile still meant to me. But maybe you didn’t want that. Maybe that would hurt you, again. And so I dug my fingers deep into my skin and wished that the stars I talk to whisper into your ears my words.

And I still can’t get over you. I still miss you. I still love you, dearly. I still passive aggressively talk about you, share the burden of heartbreak with strangers in this labyrinth of life. But one this is for sure, I want you to have the best life possible. I want you to be happy not only for today, but for the rest of your life. I cannot get you a gift for reasons I’m sure you understand, even if you resent them. But I will never forget you. Perhaps this is my last gift to you.

Happy birthday, darling.

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