Some things

I am sitting here, trying to write about something. And Nissim Ezekiel warned poets and authors to not write unless something truly inspirational happened. I live a life not very adventurous, there is no Robert Frost in me to see the poetic potential in mundane everyday things. And so, I write about nothing.

John Green said that someone else said that some infinities are bigger than other infinities. For example, in infinity between 1 and 10 in bigger than the infinity between 1 and 2. But can infinity be boxed? And if it is boxed, is it really infinity? And if you cannot have the ends to infinity, are some infinities truly larger than other infinities? I don’t claim to be a mathematical genius, this is only a curious question.

I don’t know how to flirt. I am honestly scared of flirting. The one person I loved, I never had to flirt to start dating him. And now I just fall short of words. Is complimenting too mainstream? Is my sarcasm a tad bit mean? Am I smiling awkwardly? Am I really being real if I am calculating every move of mine? And if so, what is the point of a date based on lies?

When I use hair and body products made out of fruit extracts, I feel guilt because I know there are people on this planet who don’t even get to eat fruits that I choose to lather on my hair in the hopes of getting some shine and bounce. I feel like a bitch when I accidently leave the lights on because somewhere else is a child who is sitting under a flickering streetlight, trying to study.

I have an obsession with cards. Cards that are cute are well preserved with me, even the ones from sixth grade when (my now best friend) a new classmate gave me a beautiful birthday card. I cannot explain it, but there is just something about a card that is exquisite. And oh, well-wrapped gifts in cute bags. That’s all I ask for my birthday, you guys. Just stuff that is cutely wrapped and a card that is made by you or is cute.

I really wish I could meet the person who broke my trust the most. I wish I could meet him, and hug him tight, and cry a little. And then I wish I could explain to him that although it still hurts, I’m healing. And so should he. We will never be the storybook couple we once were, but we can be whole again and give another shot at the chance of love – but with different people this time. I wish I could say a proper goodbye and remember that day forever. I wish I could have some closure.

People, please understand that sexuality and gender are not binaries. They are a spectrum, and this is where the aforementioned concept of infinity must come into play. There are no limits to what a person feels like, about themselves or about others. Anything and everything, that doesn’t harm or violate your rights, is fine. And if you think that your rights are violated by two people who question the societal norms, well then, I will kindly ask you to suck it up.

Does anyone else feel absolutely alone and scared compared to the grand scale of the universe? We are a small speck of dust, and perhaps not even that, in the universe. And maybe there are multiple universes. We are yet to find another place with lifeform other than Earth. What if we do find an alien lifeform? What is our future like, with beings from another planets and stars? What if we never alien lifeform? Are we alone in this massive place, nothing but a product of chance?

But now, my head hurts and my fever is back. I must return to doing nothing, and thinking of everything. Some more thoughts, someday later. Much love.


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