You told me that you don’t think you’ll ever love someone.
I wish I could change that. I wish you knew how it was to love, to love someone until it seems like it would be physically impossible to love her more, and then love her a tad bit more. I really hope you find someone who makes you want to get up every day and makes you stop in your tracks every single time you think of her.
Maybe then you’ll understand what it is like to love. When her favourite colour is the one you adorn your canvas with, when her voice is the one you hear all the time and you think you might just go crazy. When she has on the outfit you love, and you can’t resist looking at her until everything fades away. The way she scrunches her nose at kittens or sneezes when she wakes up, you will adore all of that and more.
You will find that love is gentle and fierce. That she might seem so fragile when she tells you about that childhood bully but so brave when she helps you confront your fears. And some nights you might have it rough, some days you might argue and refuse to talk like the stubborn individuals that you are. But at the end, you both will meet again at an amusement park and scream your problems out and go home with three tubs of ice cream.
That someone who might make getting old and wrinkly seems not that bad of a deal, considering you’ll have her by your side. She will make you watch the horror movies that she likes, and maybe you both will equally suck at a sport. And perhaps you’ll pick up each other’s gross habits, and not really mind it, because now you know it’s something so special only between you two.
And maybe it’ll last forever. And maybe it’ll break. Maybe you will have your heart crushed over, and it will feel like colliding suns and collapsing moons. You will be miserable and cook her favourite meal, hoping she comes home and grins like nothing ever went wrong. Maybe you’ll spend countless nights at bars and wander about the lonely roads, taking risks because nothing matters anymore. Or you might just lock yourself up and cry, cry until you drown in yourself.
All of this, just my tender wish. That you love again. That you live again.
Then you’ll know how I feel about you.