Midnight thoughts

It’s past midnight and I can’t sleep.

I can’t sleep because I feel personally guilty about everything happening in the world, and I am well aware that this is the highway to self-destruction. It doesn’t stop me, no. Maybe it would be easier to just not be.

I feel terribly guilty about all the kids who don’t get to go to school because their city or country is under attack, only so we get to keep our pride intact and oil prices low. Because it is in the end from the money I give to the government that they buy the bullets from. I am directly funding multiple genocides, just by buying chocolates.

I feel awful because women around the world face assaults and abuse and terror inside the four walls of their home, the place that should be a safe haven for them. There is so much I could do about it – call the cops when I see a man raising his voice against a woman, make sure that drunken girl gets home safe, enquire if the bruises on the hand of my friend are a result of violence. But I choose to stay silent, and it eats me up.

I feel disgusted that love is a crime in my country and around the world. That a primal need is considered to be an unnatural act to be jailed for. Because social constructs of gender now override people’s right to just be, and so many are forced to hide their identities for the fear of being imprisoned or worse, be stigmatised and boycotted from society. And what do I do for their rights? Nothing. I just sit on my privileged ass and tweet hashtags about it.

I feel ashamed looking at the environment. I live in a city where the pollution levels often give me headaches, the lack of trees is proportionate to the lack to clear skies or stars. The summer kills people, and the rains kill people, and the winters kill people. And yet I choose to run the air conditioner and use a power hungry computer to print assignments.

And it’s such a pity, because when I finally do sleep, none of it will matter to be anymore. As someone else falls victim to the sins that I contribute to, I will dream of my next vacation. I will wake up in the morning and find myself unperturbed by the consequences of my action, or lack thereof. I will feel no guilt, I will have no thought for the victims I could have, should have helped.

It terrifies me.

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