Last year, I got out of my first relationship. I’m not even going to talk about it again, because at this point everyone knows it was gut wrenchingly painful. And then, earlier this year I met a guy. If my first boyfriend taught me what is love, he taught me how to love. It was one of those plain, silly romances – holding hands and everything. We got drunk and danced with each other, neither of us great at it. But then we had to address this thing called distance.
That’s the thing about dating currently. It seems like the world is so connected, so modern. It isn’t that difficult to date someone far away, is it? All you must do it acquaint yourself with Skype and know the time zones. But it doesn’t work out that way. I knew better. And so, even though I spent nights crying myself to sleep, I decided not to go ahead with a relationship. And exactly one year after ending my long relationship, I was there again. Heartbroken, confused and vulnerable.
Dating shouldn’t have to be very hard, and movies would like to convince you it is not. You just find someone you love and then work things out. They always work out, always. And if not, it’s not the end. You just keep going at it, and get your Rachel anyway. But, darling, life isn’t a brilliantly written sitcom. Only if it were, huh?
It’s so messy, because you must figure out what everyone wants? Does he want to talk to me? Is it because I’m his project partner or because he finds me interesting. God, what if he doesn’t have the same principles as I do? What if he wants to get married in three weeks, or just wants a one night stand? Did he date someone I know, would I be a jerk asking him out? How do I ask him out? What if he says no? What if he says yes? What is this? Are we dating, are we in a relationship, is it official, is it exclusive?
Suddenly, liking or loving someone has become more complicated than it should be. Perhaps it always was, and I was ignorant to the fact. But the fact that so many would be aggressive and disrespectful absolutely baffles me. The fact that my contact details are stolen and my inbox is spammed irritates me. The fact that my ex’s best friend would stoop down to the extent of asking for my photos and number (probably without letting his buddy know) like an entitled being makes me feel sick.
When did it become alright to betray a friend for some girl’s number, when did become okay to send unsolicited dick pics, when did it become okay to call me your “love” in the first text to me? There are so many things that don’t sit right with me. And perhaps I’m wrong about a few of them, and there is a good possibility that I am over thinking at least in part. There is no way my paranoia could all be justified, right? But then, I look around at the 20-somethings and all of them are struggling to comprehend how all of it works out.
Love is primal, but modern dating is not. It is a royal mess, a web of intricacies I can’t seem to unwind without completely destroying it. Or, I am just lazy and tired of failing and being disappointed, over and over again.
I don’t think I’m cut out for relationships anymore. There’s just way too many complications than I can handle. For heaven’s sake, I can’t follow a recipe with more than 3 steps. How do you expect me to figure out my way in this labyrinth of opinions and tags and social stigmas?
And so, here I am. Dating is beyond my capabilities.