Learning to drive?

It’s February and some, which means most of us are back to being the lazy, messed up selves we were in 2015. Congratulations on not adhering to yet another New Year resolution! I couldn’t be any prouder.

Anyhoo, this post is targetted for a specific audience, which should have been evident when you saw the title. But if you are a pro at driving (stop throwing it in my face, you) and don’t feel the need to read ahead, this might just be like a trip down memory lane and remind you that you were not always perfect.

So if you’re just beginning to drive, understand that it is a meticulous art…something like modern day martial arts. You need to have your senses on high alert. You must have a keen eye out the windshield, maneuver the car through traffic and keep it in one lane, not miss out on any detail in the rearview mirror while jamming to Taylor Swift and sipping your Starbucks. It’s underrated, really. You have the power to kill a dozen innocent people, but don’t worry, you’ll be just fine at it.

It is not as easy as the video games, okay? For the first few days, you will be dumbfounded at the little details. I need to press clutch before shifting the gear? What is the point of technology is I cannot shift gears without having to hit clutch and accelerator at precise moments in time? Yes, I drive a manual and I am highly jealous of everyone who does not have to deal with the ordeal of shifting gears.

Parking most definitely involves some black magic. Let’s start with the process of having to find parking spots if you live in the city. Parking spots are like that last piece of pizza your friends and you wrestle for, only it’s most satisfying than pizza. Trust me on that one. Once you do find a space between two cars, good luck trying to squeeze in that SUV in a swift motion without earning some curses and glares from fellow people who now cannot move because you’re trying to fit your gigantic, hollow piece of metal in a spot that leaves zero room for error.

Speed limits are…tricky. Where I live, they expect us to travel at half the speed cars usually travel at, and you don’t know whether to be the one who makes all the cars slow down or risk getting a ticket. This is why your school had those philosophy and morality classes, for this very purpose. Goodluck making your decision, which (as I have mentioned before, but would like to emphasize on) may or may not kill human beings.

Drunk driving is just a giant no. I cannot even make jokes over here. It is literally the worst decision you will ever make. If you’re drunk and have to make the choice between texting your ex and driving, go ahead and send a naked selfie to that ex you left hanging over driving even an inch in your state. You think you can manage it, but remember all the times you had minor heart attacks because you almost died because you were a little too late in making that turn. Now imagine yourself in that situation when you can barely speak without slurring.

And some miscellaneous tips. Make sure your car isn’t reeking of decomposing food, and please do not let your friends think you are a free taxi service. Don’t drive down two blocks, you lethargic and polluting excuse of a human being. Be nice to your examiner when you go for the test because one bright smile can earn you the license so you can go on that road trip during spring break. And most of all, always, always play great music. And enjoy steering your car, because you will soon realise you cannot steer your life.